Some Italian Place in Milburn, NJ

So beloved nine, I'm sure you've noticed that my departure from the city has created a vacuum in reliable NYC restaurant posts.  And though in recent years I would throw in the random destination here or there, it would be to demonstrate merely how cool and well traveled I am or to blast some place for not being in NYC.  Now, stuck in the burbs, I must succumb like millions, if not billions of people, to average food served by average people in average towns.  I vow to you, beloved nine, that I will continue to seek out the best of the best, and will limit my posts to those places that truly make a mark on my palate, or give me a boner, or both.

Sadly, this place is not one of those places.  You should be weary of a wine list that carries all of the wine from one vineyard in California.  You should be more weary of the wine list saying they have Super Tuscan wines from California.  And when you call out the innocently uneducated vinophile discussing the list, and she comes back moments later with a "gotcha" pointing out the bottle says Tuscan Style, you should pack up your things and go.

If you need more, say the food or decor or anything like that, know that my bill was well over $75 a person, and we each had a pasta.  This is fine dining in the Suburbs.  I can't say much about the food. The fact that I don't even bother finding the name, phone number, or website of this restaurant should just about sum it up.

Like I said, it may be a while as I'm only going to write about places that have something to offer.  No one likes a wet blanket.

The Original Pancake House--Denver

303-795-0573

I had to visit Denver for numerous family reasons, and therefore due to my reputation had to succumb to my family dishing up the best that this town of rich hill billy's had to offer.  If you haven't realized this before there's not much to offer anyone who has live in Northern California or New York.  And before any of my beloved nine blast me for being and ignoramus, know that I know I'm an ignoramus, thus nullifying your claim as a self-aware ignoramus creates quite a logical contradiction.  Check mate.

Anyway, I put on a brave face and went to this pancake franchise based out of Oregon.  Then I waited an hour with two dozen other hungry people in the parking lot of a strip mall, most of whom wore a Broncos jersey with loose fitting stone-washed wrangler jeans.  We were about to go to a football game to watch the Denver Broncos annihilate the Cardinals, so time was relatively short.  It was painstaking how nice people were about waiting.  I was going apeshit, partly due to the wait, partly due to my hangover, and partly due to my company, i.e., my immediate family.

Okay.  A lot of nothing so far.  Shut the fuck up Iconman, how was the food? They were pancakes. After hearing my family go on and on I was expecting gold turds on a plate.  They served pancakes. The degree between a fantastic pancake and an okay pancake is rather slim, so I can't really say I was wowed.  Mcdonalds has pancakes that taste about the same, except you don't wait an hour. Furthermore, I was told I had to try the bacon.  Okay, no problem there.  The bacon?  Thick cut! What a revelation, it is thick cut bacon.  And the OJ?  Fresh squeezed in a carafe!  Holy smokes these people have literally re-invented the wheel.

The only thing more insulting is a cow-poke introducing me to a breakfast every major hotel in NYC offers for free, is the same cow-poke having no fucking earthly idea how to serve said breakfast. When delivering the best pancakes on the planet, it's a good idea to also deliver syrup less than a minute after delivering the pancakes.  And when you pour coffee, you should also offer milk.  Not cream, which seems to be a standard anywhere between the Hudson and the San Joaquin.

Okay.  I've had my fill of the midwest.  They're good pancakes, but they're not that good.