The Standard--Manhattan

212.645.4646

Boy oh boy a fancy pants dinner at the Standard. I generally try to stay away from such dazzling hot restaurants, as I am far too much of an asshole and do not belong. And the Standard is the place so I've been told which is why I'd never been. But one of my wives wanted to go, and what sort of Husband would I be not to satisfy her every whim?

A place like the Standard reminds me of why I am a misanthrope by nature, as everyone there is good looking, rich, or both. It reminds me that outside of my tiny little fiefdom, the city is teeming with people that don't consider a night out worth it unless they're at the place where everyone else wants to be. It's a worthy case study in sociology, but studies such as these are always performed by people like me: on the outside looking in. The people on the inside know they're on the inside, and thus have no reason to question why. We were able to score a lovely table in the dining room as long as we weren't late to our 6:15 pm Friday evening reservation, nearly a late lunch. The waiting list for a more reasonable hour was weeks and weeks, so we sucked it up and left work early.

Immediately I was reminded how a well run restaurant should be: the host told us that we had until 8:15 pm, so don't dally with dinner. This prompt, attentive service underscored the entire experience (that is until we went up stairs to the bar) but we never felt rushed, a testament to their overall polish. The food was acceptable for the price. We decided to split dishes, and selected the quail, the venison, as starters, and the trout and brazino as entrees with some brussel sprouts and duck fat potatoes. We finished up with oversized portions of cheesecake and Pecan Pie. As the menu changes daily I don't know if these were stalwarts or whether they were experiments but were executed well, though, the brussel sprouts were without a doubt the best thing we had. All in all, my socks were still on my feet considering it was $250 for two three-course meals and a decent bottle of red.

One nice feature that I must point out is the waiter gave us a free glass of grunervetliner for our fish. We had selected a heavy red wine, and it did not pair well at all. In fact, it paired so poorly that I actually noticed that it paired poorly, much like a blind man saying the color is off. My point is, this guy hooked us up out of genuine concern for our experiece. We were joking around--I believe an off-colored aside about anal sex kicked off our relationship--but it was nice to have someone be personable and generous but at the same time totally professional and respectful of his craft.

After dinner the menonite server, no really, his Grandmother was omish, recommended we visit the bar upstairs. The bar closes at 9:00 but reopens late night as an ultra swank lounge. Evidently their is a VIP bathroom where things get a little wierd. For all of the earnestness we experienced downstairs, we saw nothing but pretension and general loserdom associated with the Meat Packing District upstairs. The prices ($50 for two whiskey's) the jokey airplane stewardesses and nero jacket attendants, the douchebaginess of the the patronage, and the fact that a VIP bathroom even exists, all extoll an accurate first impression that this place would never be my scene despite the stunning view.

I suppose that it's awfully presumptious of me to assume that anyone who frequents the Standard would give two squirts for my opinions, but perhaps this was written to warn the would-be sociologist. I have no doubt that the restaurant will eventually lose it's busyness and settle into a great place to take out of town guests, as I am also assured of the eventual lameness of the upstairs bar. And I suppose with the comfortable nugget of self-assuredness, I can sleep at night.

Jimmy's-Brooklyn

(718) 218-7174

This place for a long time was a sandwich shop, and then it closed mysteriously after a visit from the health department. I only remember that because before the Emerald city was constructed we'd play bocci on the south east corner of the park and we used to go there to pee. I always remember it odd that it closed due to health department orders, because it didn't seem that gross. Then one of my venues failed a health department test for not having a current food handlers (our sous had the old one that was nothing more than a piece of paper) and not having soap in a hand sink dispenser. So it isn't to say that this old place wasn't crawling with vermin that are a hybrid of mice and cockroaches; but rather it's not that hard for the health department to close your doors for some ticky tack shit. None of this has anything to do with Jimmy's other than geographical coincidence by the way, but at least I got to say my piece about the NYC Department of Mental Health and Hygiene.

If I had to sum up Jimmy's menu in one word it would be: fried. If I had to write a haiku about Jimmy's it would read:
Hungover again
Let's eat taters and bacon
Good lord I am full.

I wouldn't recommend Jimmy's without a note from your doctor. On the flip side, if you're like me and your palate was honed on Wonderbread, Ding Dongs, and Pop Tarts, then you're in heaven. Everything on this menu could be classified as junk food. It's a place designed around the sustenance required when you're reeling on the morning after from an all day drinking binge. The place has a pretty solid dinner menu/sandwich menu as well, though I've never been there for anything but brunch.

On separate note this place is obviously family run. I like that; it means that the waitstaff actually give a shit about what's going on. Furthermore, they're also going to treat the place like their own, so if they're busy they probably won't be the most courteous or hospitable servers to pushy people who are bleary-eyed and think they deserve prompt flash-fried relief. But if you keep coming back for their abuse they eventually consider you to be part of the family.

I suppose that's all. The have some freaky photography on the walls, I particularly like the naked chick wearing the gas mask. Oh, and try their milkshakes. They may not be fried, but they're still quite fattening.