JG Melons--Manhattan

(212) 650-1310

I'm torn about this one. I just had lunch there the other day with a friend, a chicken sandwich (I limit myself to one burger a week--and Donahue's normally fills that slot) and some of their cross-cut fries. It was decent. The weather was nice and we procured an outside seat, so we could watch all of the Upper East Side faux milfs scoot by with their two thousand dollar scooters and LL Bean slacks.

I'd been to this place a million times about a decade ago, and my only relevant memory is of a friend pulling a box staple out of his mouth. It was about an inch long and hidden in his salad and the server was about as apologetic as Heidegger post WWII. I suppose that she might have had a bad day but a staple? What other things might accidentally fall into the salad bin on the lowboy counter top when you're not looking? A band aid? Cockroach? Human hand!?!

That was years ago so I'm sure that an establishment like the Melon's has not cleaned up its act one iota. With that said, you can only trash so many institutions before you get a bad name for yourself. So I'm going to keep my insults to a minimum. If you're stuck on the Upper East Side, this place is charming enough. If you have some prep school, Upper-East-Side douche-bag singing its praises, know that he probably has way too much copper and iron in his bloodstream. How's that?

Momofuku Ssam-Manhattan

212-254-3500

Let me start of by saying I'm pretty ignorant when it comes to food and beverage and whatever else it is all of these food writers find time to write about. I hope I don't come off as knowledgeable, because deep down I know I'm not. In fact, the only reason I do these at all my beloved seven, is because I know how much it means to you.

With that said, I don't read magazines, or other blogs--unless emailed to me by one of my many wives-- and generally don't understand the buzz or hype about a particular place. If you're food tastes good, and your service compliments your food, I'm generally pleased. If not, then I'm not. Simple enough. So when I went to Momofuku I had no idea what I was getting into. After a quick perusal of Wikipedia I found that Beard, amongst others, have had there noses buried in the guy's ass for the better part of four years. I also appreciate the notion behind Momofuku Ko first come first serve policy. Pretty cool. Take that influential rich people, you wait just like the rest of us. Furthermore, this guys doesn't give a rats ass if you're a vegetarian or not, so in a way, I already liked this restaurant.

Unfortunately, all of these things do nothing to explain the repeated gag-reflex I had when eating here the other day. We tried the pork-belly buns, sea-urchin, pickled vegetables, and bone-marrow with Chantilly mushrooms and quail's eggs, and I am not lying when I say I found the food to be absolutely fucking disgusting. Shit in my mouth disgusting. Seriously, I gagged on both the urchin and the bone marrow. Even the pork belly buns were sub par, fatty, flavorless garbage.

What am I supposed to do here? This guys seems to be the best chef ever, and somehow I think his food sucks. I know I'm wrong and that's a problem. But how do you argue with your gag-reflex? Acquire the taste for things that make you want to vomit? Pretend like you're enjoying it? For me, the rest of these people are fucking nuts, sort of like an emporer's new clothes thing going on here. I suppose that's all I can say. I understand eating sea-urchin and bone marrow when you're some indigenous person desperate to survive but let's all own up to the fact that it does not taste good. It just doesn't.