Glasserie--Brooklyn

(718) 389-0640

About fucking time!  Finally, someone had sense enough to figure out a way to integrate the style and general ambiance of what has made the Brooklyn Brand successful without doing the same old thing.  Seriously, beloved nine, I've been saying this for how long?  Well, long enough to feel vindicated, that's for sure.

Glasserie is an outpost in Brooklyn, sitting literally on the tip of Northwest Greenpoint, far enough away from the SoHo that is Williamsburg that it reminds you of neighborhoods past.  It's chef hales from the Diner coaching tree.  It's owner, a nice Lebanese dish, earned her stripes at Cipriaini's.  Together they have somehow fused the sensibilities of the Brooklyn culinary movement with food from the cradle of civilization.  Normally I wouldn't be caught dead eating this shit, but by the time I got there I realized there was no way I could survive the trek back to civilization without sustenance   How was the food?  Remarkable.  I had the steak, chicken, some cheesy bread things, and sent from heaven, lamb tar tar.  All of it fresh and fantastic.

I must also say how turn key the whole place seemed.  It opened and voila: a functional restaurant. Decor was elegant and understated, the servers professionally sexy, and the place seemed to already have regular customers.  It had none of the usual foibles in vision nor execution that are tantamount to new places.  There are definitely some recognizable faces that have been at other establishments--Walter's foods and Reynards to name a few--so I'm sure that helps but I must say, this place is run by pros.  To be honest though, I'm just psyched to find that someone is actually listening to yours truly.

Steiner Studios--Brooklyn

(718) 858-1600

Okay so this isn't a restaurant so much as a banquet space, but they still serve food so it qualifies as a place to talk about.  I mean, I wrote about the Baltimore Ravens stadium a while ago, and none of you said a thing.  Come to think of it, you never say anything.

The night in question was a fake awards dinner for the Rising Stars of Brooklyn.  Basically a ponzi scheme for local newspapers that enables them to sell tickets to the award winner's friends, family, etc. The ticket price is more than the cost of the dinner, and so the dying local rag gets enough money to survive until the next awards dinner.  The recipients?  A collection of used cars salesmen and deli owners, vice principles and law clerks.  In a word: losers.  Oh and yours truly.

Enough Iconman, how was the food?  A first place tie between disgusting and revolting.  The whole operation was a shit show, and I'm sure the first fifty people to pick through the two buffets had a fine time, but when guest number four hundred walks up they find cold platters of processed crap, frozen fecal, and oddities from the world around.  I believe the only two stations were an Asian station and an Italian station; both served by apathetic latino waiters in black tie.  The Italian station had an action pasta that was at best bland, and the unmanned Asian station had soggy steamed dumplings that barely passed as sustenance.  

Fortunately I had sense enough to sneak in my own wine but the douchey banquet captain was too chicken shit to put glasses on my table.  I had to go behind the bar, grab a handful of glasses, and slink back to my table just to get a drink.  It's strange to see the absolute disconnect from restaurant dining to banquets.  They're close cousins, but when you compare them its as though one was raised in Manhattan and the other in outer Romania.  There simply isn't a comparison. To be fair to Abigail Kirsch I doubt this banquet had the best they could offer, as they probably weren't paid much after the room rental.  But what can you say?  A newspaper needs to make a buck, so spare the expense for the rising stars!

100 posts!--Bella Luna Brooklyn

718.836.9444

I'd like to thank the academy, my wife, and Google.  I'd like to thank my beloved nine, which is actually eight because in trying to follow a Vapid Blonde I accidentally started following myself.  I'd like to thank Franky, Johnnie, Bluetooth, Rumpelteazer, Macavity, Mom and Dad, Brothers, Eloise Vienna, Dug Dug, and everyone else I didn't think of on this Sunday Morning.  100 posts equates to absolutely nothing.  It isn't important.  It's an irrelevant number that only denotes meaning as it is a product of our species having ten fingers.  But it's still pretty cool.

On with the review:

I work in deep Brooklyn now.  I work all of the time.  Seriously, the only place that I've been to in the last four months give or take is a red-sauce Italian pizza parlor across the street.  There is absolutely nothing to speak about with this place.  It's a pizza parlor.  The food is processed and fried but served hot and delicious.  Mozzarella is an ingredient on just about every entree.  It's my kind of place.

Considering the neighborhood, I wouldn't expect much more.  I go every Friday to this restaurant because a colleague has a schoolboy crush on the waitress.  She, like the restaurant, is typical fodder for South Italian brooklyn.  She's middle class, pretty, Italian, and like every other girl under the age of 25 wears tights/spandex as outerwear.  I can't really blame my colleague.  I will say the mozzarella sticks are second to none, though I know they come frozen and they drop them in the fryer until they float.  It doesn't matter, when they're delivered by a pretty little Italian American wearing her underwear on the outside, they're delicious.

Okay.  Whoopee that was 100.

Maison Premiere--Brooklyn

347.335.0446

It's been a while.  A new job, a baby, all of these grown up things have prevented me from venturing out and trying new stuff.  I've tried to get out, tried to experience new and better places in the greater New York area but to no avail.  I meant to go to the Bronx, and to Queens, and to DC and all I've gotten was Reynard's over and over again.  What to do beloved nine?  What to do?

So  I have this business card with a few notes jotted down.  I went here the first night the kitchen open, though I didn't eat.  Prior to that it was an oyster bar and judging by the size of the crowd it was pretty well received.  I sucked down French 75's while my other wife drank Negronis.  The cocktails were made well by guys in bow ties and vests.  They all had facial hair.  At this point I'm used to it.

Then I went to the bathroom and there was an old-fashioned toilet with an old gravity tank.  The toilet dispensers were also old, rusty, dilapidated.  The door didn't close quite right, but it was beautiful and warped.  As I sat there peeing I wondered to myself, is this bathroom authentic?  Quite a philosophical question I know, but since I have no food to talk about I have to talk about something.  So, is this bathroom anymore authentic?  Is it the sum of its parts?  Aesthetically, it looks cool and funky but at the cost of being functional.  What is the attraction to this bygone era?  Certainly things were made better then, but they're also 100 years old.  I flushed the toilet.  It didn't work that well, but it did work.  I'm glad I didn't leave an iceberg in the water as it would have still been there.

When I got back to the bar I took a good look at the bartender to the point I think I freaked him out.  Then I realized the problem: he's a phony.  They're all faking it.  That bathroom isn't original.  It's a replica of an original using original parts.  Probably bought in some old broken down town from a building about to be demolished.   But here's the catch, the clothes of the bygone era are still made.  Names like Anderson Shepard, Henry Poole, Paul Stuart.  And you know what?  They're fucking expensive!  You wouldn't want to bar tend in this expensive suit.  This guy had an ill-fitting button down collar, his braces were clipped to his pants with belt loops.  His vest didn't fit and he'd buttoned the sixth button.  And more to the point he doesn't know the difference.  I'm sure the craftsman that made that beautiful bathroom door would want it replaced because it wasn't plum.  I'm sure the manufacturer of the toilet paper dispenser eventually automated their production, creating homogenous, yet profitable, toilet paper dispenser after toilet paper dispenser. 

Maison Premier is not at fault here.  They're keeping up with the times, and at least they're devotion to style is consistent with their devotion to well made cocktails and craft beer.  And in the end, you can't fake quality.  They're salvaging quality from a bygone era.  The craftsman for custom doors still exists.  They just didn't want to pay for it.

Antica Pesa--Brooklyn

 (347) 763-2635

At long last the trend that Reynard's created has begun to bear fruit. Antica Pesa is the first in a trend of what I predict to be many well conceived fine dining establishments in Williamsburg.  The neighborhood has grown up, be it from pricing bringing in an older crowd, or an older crowd bringing pricing.  Whatever the case may be, something that has matching flatware and cloth napkins was due and Antica Pesa delivers superbly  The dining room is beautiful, with low hanging globes over dinner tables that capture sound, a fire place, and Italian men walking around with their shirts un buttoned, putting their hands on the back of your chair suggesting, hinting, alluding to the fact that in some other universe you could be the desire of such a man...ehem.

Put your dick back in your pants iconman, how was the food?  In a word fantastic. Granted the menu never seems to vary, but there is some crowd pleasing items for all.  I'd stay away from the tour of Tuscany thing, and the fried cheese and prosciutto might be too much of a good thing to start with on your own.  And unlike Aurora, the reigning high end Italian in the neighborhood, the waiters here aren't slack-jawed yokels.  No, the waiters here own the place, as well as a well known sister restaurant in Rome.  How's that bitches, Brooklyn is importing directly from the motherland.

Station--Brooklyn

718-599-1596

Station, and I'm sorry but I cannot help myself, is a train wreck.  My experience here was so bad, so ridiculously poor, that I pity the owner that spent their investor's money on such over the top  business cards and peculiar menus.  How do I begin?

Comfortably located fifteen steps from the Bedford stop, I arrived late with my wife already sat at the door.  It was a blustery night, and the heavy wooden door could not stay closed.  It blew and blew then every once in a while a waify little hostess would remember to close it. This would be a harbinger of things to come, as the service was without a doubt, the worst I've ever had in New York City.

The menu was nothing short of schizophrenic:  French, Italian, African, I mean all over the map, or book.  Or whatever it was they were trying to do.  We decided to have rilettes and a nice glass of wine while waiting for our server to finally materialize   The waitress knew as much about food as I know about organic chemistry, stating that the menu was Mediterranean influenced.  She also told us later, that she had to clear our rillets as the short ribs were ready and needed to be served--presumably for fear of overcooking.  She also didn't offer us water once.  Not a single time.  In fact this is my first meal ever at a restaurant--going all the way back to Denny's and Carrows and Marie Calenders when I was just a wee lass--that I was not offered water with a meal.

The food?  Abysmal.  The chef hales from 11 Madison Park which means she spent most of her time telling diners what they were going to have for dinner.  Here the flavors and aesthetic were so mish-mashed together: said short rib had mushrooms red wine while my chicken had curry and potatoes.  Of course, its hard to say you enjoy eating anything when you're parched.  Maybe soup.  Wifey wife was paying, so we still tipped, but had I been paying I would have laid a big fat goose egg all over the check.  That would also would have been a first.

St Anslem's--Brooklyn

718-384-5054

Went here a few months ago to try the famous rib eye for two.  It was a Tuesday night, and since they don't take reservations we decided to head on in a touch early.  Tuesday, 7pm, 1 hour wait.  No problem, we'll just grab a drink at the bar.  Sorry charlie, no drinking at the bar. Try our short order place across the street Fette Sau (which I've never reviewed by the way).  Been there, thanks.  Thanks maybe next time (big smile).

Fast forward to last Saturday.  We wanted a steak dinner and since we don't like getting Peter Lugered we figured this place is the only place in our neighborhood to get a guaranteed non butcher steak dinner (certainly Dresslers or Diner or somewhere else may have a steak special, but who wants to risk it when you have a hankering...).  We knew there would be a wait so we headed in at 6 p.m. thinking even if we have to wait an hour, we were still eating at a reasonable time--as we were told by some mystical creature that had happened to eat there the cooking/resting time on the rib eye is an hour.  The wait?  Two mother fucking hours!  They entire restaurant could turn and we would still have to wait.  Normally, I would say good for them.  Here are some entrepreneurs that opened a small beer bar (Spuyten and Duyvil) and then opened a cool kitchy barbeque place (Fette Sau), and have finally arrived serving steak to the carnivorous locals.  But the hostess, with her i-pad and horrible hippy-esque corduroy's and awful second hand boots, was so motherfucking smug, so unapologetically proud of the fact that she was turning away another customer that I wanted to punch her square between the eyes.  And after the group behind us, a party of five no less, was told three and a half hours I evacuated, swearing never to return.

We eventually met up with the friend we intended on meeting there, and he told us that he was asked tonot to stand behind the bar while two other friends finished up their dinner.  Okay, so now I know I'm not crazy.  This place is too much of a good thing, and since it is reinforced by insanely patient consumers, the attitude of the staff has clearly gotten out of control.  I don't understand why you would not take reservations if you have waits of two and three hours.  I would understand not taking reservations if you had a loitering kind of bar, or if it was truly first come first serve, ie., no poorly dressed asshole with an i-pad.  A two-hour wait in a forty cover restaurant means that you're perfectly willing to turn away business that may not come back.  And this arrogant attitude has infected the staff since they're all too happy to tell tell people to try your over-rated pickle bar across the street.   And since everyone is on the bandwagon of amazing food and my new favorite restaurant I can only assume that your popularity is due to the exclusivity that creates such buzz.  What am I to do, other than say  I hate restaurants that are cooler than their customers, especially since I'm the coolest guy I know.